Jadi

Ketika aku tahu, meskipun dulu kamu bilang kamu masih butuh aku... aku ngerasanya... apa ya, aku ini gak ngasih apapun gitu. You're a free soul. You can make yourself happy. You have so many friends. You know how to have fun. You can control your heart. You're that awesome.

And Im still here.
Stuck.
Occasionally struggling.
Occasionally pining.
Occasionally having this super ugly crisis about these toxic feelings towards you.

When you spend your time with other person... your real friends... your potential crush... your chattig friends... never in my mind I would pissed at you. Cause you're having fun. Yang aku kesel, adalah diriku dewe. Cause deep down, aku sedih. Deep down, aku masih mikir, "Wah, enak ya mereka. Coba aku sebebas itu ya sama kamu." atau... "Wah, si D masuk story-mu lagi ya. Seru, orang ngeliatnya kayak spesial gitu dianya. Endearing gitu di storymu. Ah, kok jadi pengen jadi dia ya." atau... "Wih, kamu macam excited banget ngomongin dia ya. Potensi ngecrush nih. Asik ya, dulu aku pernah di posisi itu. Rasanya nyenengin, kamu mikirin aku terus. Sekarang udah enggak ya."

Lalu aku kesel sama diri sendiri gitu deh.

Lucu ya aku.

Udah hampir dua tahun juga.

Masih kayak gini-gini aja.

Kayaknya cukup ya di kamu aja. Ketika aku wis lepas dari kamu, jangan sampe aku kayak gini lagi ke orang lain. Gak akan pernah aku ngijinin aku kayak gini lagi. Cukup sekali seumur hidup. Sudah tahu rasanya. Jadi jangan diulang lagi. Wahai diriku sendiri :)

I'm Bisexual, But I'm not....

Wkwkwkwk. I found a buzzfeed video on my youtube home. And dang!!! So relatable. HAHAHAHH.

So, it's like the title of my post.

I'm quoting the video.

I'm bisexual, but I'm not confused. I'm bisexual, but I'm not 'Just experimenting'. I'm not 'half-gay' and 'half-straight'. I'm a complete whole-person. I'm not doing it for the attention. I'm bisexual, but I'm not only bisexual, I'm more than my sexual identity.

Jadi bisexual lumayan agak kompleks. Apalagi di negara yang mayoritas masih nganggep LGBT suer tabu ini. Haha. Apalagi kalo ibumu udah tahu tapi sampe sekarang denial dan bener-bener nyangka kalo aku "diracuni" dan dipengaruhi supaya suka cewek.

Wkwk.

Bisexual is really a thing, you know.

Bagi yang bukan Bi, mungkin agak sulit dipahami. Kayak, "kok bisa tertarik ke dua-duanya?" ... "Ah, kamu cuma lagi bingung aja kali. You like her/him as friend but mistakenly think as sexual attraction." dsb dsb. Tapi sebenernya enggak sama sekali. Aku gak bingung. Gak gimana-gimana. Simply, when I see a sexy guy, it turns me on. When I see a sexy girl, it also turns me on. LOL. Sebenernya sesimpel itu xD

Dan yang paling penting adalah, being bisexual, doesnt mean that I easily fall in love with other person. It doesnt mean that Im easy. It doesnt mean that aku gampang baper kalo ada cewek straight yang baik sama aku kayak tipikal di teenlit-teenlit gay, yang kebanyakan kebawa baper sama temen straight sendiri.

Nope.

Gak gitu.

Jadi ketika Im coming out to my girl-mate and they looked at me with, "Oh no, you're also attracted to girl? Oh, crap. What if you're attracted to me" ............. aku langsung -________-

Girls. Plis :")) Wkwk. Ya gak gitu juga gengs. Aku bisa suka cewek gak lantas aku suka semua cewek. Sama kayak aku bisa suka cowok dan gak lantas aku suka semua cowok.

Ya kalo ada cewek cantik aku emang, "Anjayyy gilsss. Mantaps." sama kayak kalo liat cowok ganteng. Tapi ya gak lantas baper dan ingin mendapatkan lalu menular-nularkan dan mengejar-ngejar supaya dianya suka aku. Itu kan.... hoams banget. wkwkwk.

Gitu doang sih cuap-cuap malem ini.

..............

Rain :")

I miss saying "I love you" and "I miss you" freely and hearing it back from her.

Wkwk. Dont get me wrong. I've moved on... as in... not pining over her anymore :) But moving on doesnt mean I stop loving her?

It's not stupid tho. I have my reasons why I still love her.

Cause it's just natural.

But, why?

I dunno.

There's so much thing to love about her.

But that's not the reason why i love her... you know.

I just do.

Wkwk.

And Im not being pathetic at all :D

Cause I know she cares about me so much. She cares about me as her bestfriend. And seriously. It's more that enough. The important thing is, we do care and support each other.

Okay.

Good-night :)

Dont worry, myself!

....

i just wanna cry so much. ohmygod. today was sucks. too hectic. my anxiety was acting up again and i fucking hate it. I thought i dealt with that long time ago but apparently not.

Tingkatkan spiritualmu, myself! You can do this!

....

i know. she wont ever read this. but tiny part of my heart hope that one day... she remember about this blog, open it, and then read this.

i write this post because i dont have enough courage to say all of this thing to her... that i still love her. that my heart's still going warm whenever i see her smile. and it hurts because i know i cant ever have her in this short-life. and it hurts... because im the only one who feels like this. semacam... aku stuck di sini, sementara dia sudah merdeka dengan hatinya. Sudah bebas.

I wanna be like her as soon as possible. Emotionally independent. Nggak lagi berharap.

Dan setiap kali aku ngerasa sudah bisa ngelepas, terus nggak sengaja stalking dan lihat fotonya, atau pas ketemu dia, rasanya sedih lagi aja. Sedih karena... masih di posisi yang sama. Sendirian. Cuma aku yang tahu. Dan harus berusaha biasa aja.

She's so beautiful this day. If only i was a guy. So that I have chance to actually marry her. Or... I dunno. Kalo cowok juga gak jamin sih. Emang dia mau sama aku.

Lol.

Ya sudah. Sesi galau selesai. Mari kembali ke hal-hal positif.

Rain

Brings lots of memories. Sometimes it sucks so much.

like... a living hell... or not?

Studying.... studying everyday. Final exam getting closer. Woke up everyday feeling kinda fresh. Start the day with positiveness... told myself... "May be today the pain will be gone. May be today I can really smile. May be today Im not feeling miserable anymore."

But... seiring berjalannya hari. Makin siang... makin sore... makin malem... sugesti-sugesti postif dipagi hari rasanya cuma mitos. This is so damn hard. So hard. The emptiness... the pain...

Dan sekarang ada tokek bunyi. FINE!!! :") Seluruh alam semesta berkonspirasi.

Sebel dengan diri sendiri karena sok-sok an kuat. Padahal yo asline lempeng. Asline pengen broke down nangis-nangis ndek depan dia. Tapi yoh yok opo. Yok opo... lek aku gak kuat... terus podo-podo gakkuat e... jadi apa nantik.

Ya harus kuat. Kenyataan e wis kayak gini. Keadaan e memaksa buat kayak gini. Terus aku mau gakkuat tiap hari? Ya gimana :") Gak boleh menyiksa diri sendiri.

She's trying so hard to be happy. Seeking distraction... I can see it. She's trying to be okay. For me and for herself. Dan untuk itu, she needs time to be alone... of course. She needs it. Dia butuh itu. Dia butuh tenang. Dia butuh istirahat dari semua rasa yang pasti exhausting ini.

Jadi, aku juga harus berusaha sekuat tenaga, kan?

Like I said to myself before... kuncinya itu ikhlas kan? Ikhlas kalo semua ini emang pasti terjadi. Ikhlas kalo ini tuh jalan yang terbaik yang diberi Allah. Menunggu... akan ada sesuatu... entah kapan, yang bikin aku dan dia jauuuuuuhhhh jauuuuuuuuhhhh lebih bahagia daripada ini.

Dia akan bahagia. Pasti kok.

Dia pantes bahagia. This 1,5 years knowing her, I can see it, she really deserve all the happiness in the world. Dan kayak yang dia bilang... "it's not like i dont have anyone to lean on to." yup... bener. There's lot of people she can rely on. There's a lot of people who care about her. Tinggal berdoa buat kedatangan seseorang yang bakal ngebahagiain dia lebih dari aku.

Pasti ada.

Yakin deh.

If the time comes... and when she finally said... "Im happy"... saat itu.... Im sure I would be the happiest person in the whole universe.

LOL. Bacotan di malam hari yang berakhir dengan kepositifan lagi ternyata :") ya kalo bayangin dia happy selalu jadi senyum sendiri sih :") lol. first time loving someone this much. this emotion is too overwhelming i cant put it in words. wkwk.

Hallo, Good Night To You

Hei... it's been a hard roller-coaster ride, yeah? It's sad and cruel, i know. But thank you for always believing in us. Thank you for changing your display picture with a silly selfie of us with a "waiting for sure..." caption and make me smile. It's magical, how you can make me smile without us being in a conversation.

And thank you for crying with me this afternoon. It gives me strength. And it gives me hope. It makes me realize that unconditionally love does exist. And the fact that it is our love... it's just too overwhelming.

And baby... I love you...

Im not telling you to wait for me, because I cant promise anything right now. But one thing for sure, I always pray to God for you. Everyday. I pray to God to always keep you safe and happy.

Sorry for not being there right now to hold you... or pat your head... or talking about nothing and everything with you. I cant do that anymore. So if you sad or need me, and you feel like you have no one, can you please talk to God about it? God's always listen babe. You always have God. And you always have my love. Because your name will be permanently said in my every pray.

Dont forget to eat. Dont force yourself too much. And fight for Dasdes! Belajar juga buat SBM tahun depan. Good night, baby.

PS. Be happy. Be safe. (your new status at LINE, it goes to you too :p)  Im not going anywhere. And if you find anyone in the future... and you're happy because of him, Im not gonna sad. I'll be the happiest person in the whole universe. That's how big my love is.

PSS. I dunno, i feel..... maybe this is the way God show us His love. By separating us like this... because God doesn't want us to make sins any longer. Because God want us to love without sins.

I Love You.
Be Happy.
Be Safe.
Im not going anywhere.
Will be loving you always.

Masterpost about her

Dia itu...Suka cinta banget sama kucing. Dia rela ngabisin banyak duit buat nyelametin kucing yang lagi sakit. Dia suka random ngirimin gambar-gambar kucing ke aku kalo dia nemu kucing lucu di tengah jalan.... "beb, ini lucu yaaa." "beb, liat dehhhh unyuuu." dan sebagainya.

Dia itu...
tipe orang yang menyenangkan dan nyaman buat diajak berteman. karena dia itu pendengar yang baik. Dia bisa jadi gila banget kalo diajak seru-seruan. Tapi waktu temennya ada masalah, dia bener-bener ikutan mikir, ikutan marah, nekat dan bener-bener rela ngebela.

Dia itu...
males banget. Mager kalo mau ngapa-ngapain. Maunya di kasur melulu. Kamarnya kayak kapal pecah. Pernah aku coba bersihin sekali, pas dia lagi gak di kos, dan dua hari kemudian udah kotor lagi. Haha.

Dia itu... suka kalo kepalanya dielus-elus. Suka ndusel. Kalo manjanya kumat bisa berjam-jam ndusel dan minta dielus kepalanya. Im not complaining tho. I love patting her hair. I love making her feel comfortable.

Dia itu... kesukaannya jus tomat. Kalo makan diluar, pesen minumnya selalu jus tomat. Hahaa. Tapi dia susah makan. Makan sehari bisa cuma sekali. Padahal punya maag ._.

Terus... dia itu jago renang. Bisa gaya apa aja. Name it. Gaya dada, free style, gaya punggung, sampe gaya yang aneh-aneh yang dia beri nama sendiri... like... "Gaya tenggelam ke dalam sampe dasar." .... "Gaya mengapung seluruh tubuh diatas air" ... "Gaya anjing berenang" ... dan gaya-gaya lainnya.

She likes making a lame joke and i always end up laughing despite how lame it is. Kayak pas renang itu.... kami mau balapan renang dan aku tanya balapannya pake gaya apa. Dan dia bilang, "I only swim free." sambil niruin gayanya Haru. LOL. if you get the reference....

Dia paling gak suka digelitikin perutnya. Dia bisa teriak-teriak kalo udah diancem mau digelitikin. Kayak tadi pas dia main ke rumahku then aku mau gelitikin... dia marah-marah dan berakhir... "If you do it, I CURSE YOU!!!" sambil teriak.
Dan betewe... gara-gara ini, terjadi percakapan super geblek.
Me : "You crush me? Aku tau kok."
Her : "Not crush!! Curse!!"
Me : "Curse? Mengutuk?"
Her : "Bukan. Kurs mata uang."
Me : "Ohhhh.... emang kamu tau artinya kurs?"
Her : "itu kan.... yang... 'aku mau duduk di kurs.'"
Me : -_- (nahan ketawa)
Her : "Ah, kamu terlihat kurs deh." (dia lanjut melesetin)
Me : *ngakak ngejer*

She really knows how to make me smile :)

Kalau chatting, dia penuh emote. Semua emote dia keluarin. Dari yang nyambung sampe ga nyambung. Dari yang ketawa nangis, gambar orang lagi dansa, sampe gambar ayam goreng. Dia juga suka ngasih gambar hati warna hijau. Since my favorite color is green :)

She loves drawing. She makes money from it. But too lazy to be productive on daily basis hiiiiks :')) but i love her works. Im sure she will be on top one day...

Jam tidur kami beda :'D dia anak desain that's why hidupnya nocturnal. produktif di malam hari (katanya otaknya baru bisa jalan jam segitu) dan molor di siang hari. Itu yang bikin komunikasi jadi gak sesering dulu. Hiks.

All of that things.... that makes me love her more. I looooooooooooooooooove her. Masih banyak hal tentang dia lainnya. Like, she's a good kisser (though she prefer cuddling than kissing and making out. padahal aku suka making out //gak), she's an Aoyama Haru's hardcore fangirl, dia jarang potong kuku, dia suka niruin aku kalo lagi ngambek.... dan lain sebagainya.

Dan dia jahil. Jahil banget. Sudah tahu aku gasuka ditakut-takuti, tapi dia hobi banget nakutin aku. Dasar nyebelin.

But... I really lucky to have her as not only my girlfriend but also my best friend :))

Kapan-kapan deh, cerita gimana aku kenal dia :)

Syalala

Gimana ya... it's really been along journey... this past year. Talking about love, passion, dream, and future... with her. Apa yah, ever since I met her, it's been a miraculous roller-coaster ride. I laugh, I cry, I fall in love, all of emotion I didnt know I capable to feel, i feel it with her. It's like... God really give me a piece that complete me. Like, I knew that she's the best thing I never knew I needed before.

PK's Quote

Those that truly love and care about you understand that being gay doesn't define you. It doesn't. It's just a part of who you are.

Habis lihat update-an terbaru videonya PK dan seriously nangis. Kapan bisa kayak gitu. Really. Ini semua soal culture sih ya. Di Indonesia mana bisa kayak begitu.

Anyway, soal quotes itu... itu bener banget