like... a living hell... or not?

Studying.... studying everyday. Final exam getting closer. Woke up everyday feeling kinda fresh. Start the day with positiveness... told myself... "May be today the pain will be gone. May be today I can really smile. May be today Im not feeling miserable anymore."

But... seiring berjalannya hari. Makin siang... makin sore... makin malem... sugesti-sugesti postif dipagi hari rasanya cuma mitos. This is so damn hard. So hard. The emptiness... the pain...

Dan sekarang ada tokek bunyi. FINE!!! :") Seluruh alam semesta berkonspirasi.

Sebel dengan diri sendiri karena sok-sok an kuat. Padahal yo asline lempeng. Asline pengen broke down nangis-nangis ndek depan dia. Tapi yoh yok opo. Yok opo... lek aku gak kuat... terus podo-podo gakkuat e... jadi apa nantik.

Ya harus kuat. Kenyataan e wis kayak gini. Keadaan e memaksa buat kayak gini. Terus aku mau gakkuat tiap hari? Ya gimana :") Gak boleh menyiksa diri sendiri.

She's trying so hard to be happy. Seeking distraction... I can see it. She's trying to be okay. For me and for herself. Dan untuk itu, she needs time to be alone... of course. She needs it. Dia butuh itu. Dia butuh tenang. Dia butuh istirahat dari semua rasa yang pasti exhausting ini.

Jadi, aku juga harus berusaha sekuat tenaga, kan?

Like I said to myself before... kuncinya itu ikhlas kan? Ikhlas kalo semua ini emang pasti terjadi. Ikhlas kalo ini tuh jalan yang terbaik yang diberi Allah. Menunggu... akan ada sesuatu... entah kapan, yang bikin aku dan dia jauuuuuuhhhh jauuuuuuuuhhhh lebih bahagia daripada ini.

Dia akan bahagia. Pasti kok.

Dia pantes bahagia. This 1,5 years knowing her, I can see it, she really deserve all the happiness in the world. Dan kayak yang dia bilang... "it's not like i dont have anyone to lean on to." yup... bener. There's lot of people she can rely on. There's a lot of people who care about her. Tinggal berdoa buat kedatangan seseorang yang bakal ngebahagiain dia lebih dari aku.

Pasti ada.

Yakin deh.

If the time comes... and when she finally said... "Im happy"... saat itu.... Im sure I would be the happiest person in the whole universe.

LOL. Bacotan di malam hari yang berakhir dengan kepositifan lagi ternyata :") ya kalo bayangin dia happy selalu jadi senyum sendiri sih :") lol. first time loving someone this much. this emotion is too overwhelming i cant put it in words. wkwk.

Hallo, Good Night To You

Hei... it's been a hard roller-coaster ride, yeah? It's sad and cruel, i know. But thank you for always believing in us. Thank you for changing your display picture with a silly selfie of us with a "waiting for sure..." caption and make me smile. It's magical, how you can make me smile without us being in a conversation.

And thank you for crying with me this afternoon. It gives me strength. And it gives me hope. It makes me realize that unconditionally love does exist. And the fact that it is our love... it's just too overwhelming.

And baby... I love you...

Im not telling you to wait for me, because I cant promise anything right now. But one thing for sure, I always pray to God for you. Everyday. I pray to God to always keep you safe and happy.

Sorry for not being there right now to hold you... or pat your head... or talking about nothing and everything with you. I cant do that anymore. So if you sad or need me, and you feel like you have no one, can you please talk to God about it? God's always listen babe. You always have God. And you always have my love. Because your name will be permanently said in my every pray.

Dont forget to eat. Dont force yourself too much. And fight for Dasdes! Belajar juga buat SBM tahun depan. Good night, baby.

PS. Be happy. Be safe. (your new status at LINE, it goes to you too :p)  Im not going anywhere. And if you find anyone in the future... and you're happy because of him, Im not gonna sad. I'll be the happiest person in the whole universe. That's how big my love is.

PSS. I dunno, i feel..... maybe this is the way God show us His love. By separating us like this... because God doesn't want us to make sins any longer. Because God want us to love without sins.

I Love You.
Be Happy.
Be Safe.
Im not going anywhere.
Will be loving you always.