Jadi

Ketika aku tahu, meskipun dulu kamu bilang kamu masih butuh aku... aku ngerasanya... apa ya, aku ini gak ngasih apapun gitu. You're a free soul. You can make yourself happy. You have so many friends. You know how to have fun. You can control your heart. You're that awesome.

And Im still here.
Stuck.
Occasionally struggling.
Occasionally pining.
Occasionally having this super ugly crisis about these toxic feelings towards you.

When you spend your time with other person... your real friends... your potential crush... your chattig friends... never in my mind I would pissed at you. Cause you're having fun. Yang aku kesel, adalah diriku dewe. Cause deep down, aku sedih. Deep down, aku masih mikir, "Wah, enak ya mereka. Coba aku sebebas itu ya sama kamu." atau... "Wah, si D masuk story-mu lagi ya. Seru, orang ngeliatnya kayak spesial gitu dianya. Endearing gitu di storymu. Ah, kok jadi pengen jadi dia ya." atau... "Wih, kamu macam excited banget ngomongin dia ya. Potensi ngecrush nih. Asik ya, dulu aku pernah di posisi itu. Rasanya nyenengin, kamu mikirin aku terus. Sekarang udah enggak ya."

Lalu aku kesel sama diri sendiri gitu deh.

Lucu ya aku.

Udah hampir dua tahun juga.

Masih kayak gini-gini aja.

Kayaknya cukup ya di kamu aja. Ketika aku wis lepas dari kamu, jangan sampe aku kayak gini lagi ke orang lain. Gak akan pernah aku ngijinin aku kayak gini lagi. Cukup sekali seumur hidup. Sudah tahu rasanya. Jadi jangan diulang lagi. Wahai diriku sendiri :)

I'm Bisexual, But I'm not....

Wkwkwkwk. I found a buzzfeed video on my youtube home. And dang!!! So relatable. HAHAHAHH.

So, it's like the title of my post.

I'm quoting the video.

I'm bisexual, but I'm not confused. I'm bisexual, but I'm not 'Just experimenting'. I'm not 'half-gay' and 'half-straight'. I'm a complete whole-person. I'm not doing it for the attention. I'm bisexual, but I'm not only bisexual, I'm more than my sexual identity.

Jadi bisexual lumayan agak kompleks. Apalagi di negara yang mayoritas masih nganggep LGBT suer tabu ini. Haha. Apalagi kalo ibumu udah tahu tapi sampe sekarang denial dan bener-bener nyangka kalo aku "diracuni" dan dipengaruhi supaya suka cewek.

Wkwk.

Bisexual is really a thing, you know.

Bagi yang bukan Bi, mungkin agak sulit dipahami. Kayak, "kok bisa tertarik ke dua-duanya?" ... "Ah, kamu cuma lagi bingung aja kali. You like her/him as friend but mistakenly think as sexual attraction." dsb dsb. Tapi sebenernya enggak sama sekali. Aku gak bingung. Gak gimana-gimana. Simply, when I see a sexy guy, it turns me on. When I see a sexy girl, it also turns me on. LOL. Sebenernya sesimpel itu xD

Dan yang paling penting adalah, being bisexual, doesnt mean that I easily fall in love with other person. It doesnt mean that Im easy. It doesnt mean that aku gampang baper kalo ada cewek straight yang baik sama aku kayak tipikal di teenlit-teenlit gay, yang kebanyakan kebawa baper sama temen straight sendiri.

Nope.

Gak gitu.

Jadi ketika Im coming out to my girl-mate and they looked at me with, "Oh no, you're also attracted to girl? Oh, crap. What if you're attracted to me" ............. aku langsung -________-

Girls. Plis :")) Wkwk. Ya gak gitu juga gengs. Aku bisa suka cewek gak lantas aku suka semua cewek. Sama kayak aku bisa suka cowok dan gak lantas aku suka semua cowok.

Ya kalo ada cewek cantik aku emang, "Anjayyy gilsss. Mantaps." sama kayak kalo liat cowok ganteng. Tapi ya gak lantas baper dan ingin mendapatkan lalu menular-nularkan dan mengejar-ngejar supaya dianya suka aku. Itu kan.... hoams banget. wkwkwk.

Gitu doang sih cuap-cuap malem ini.

..............

Rain :")

I miss saying "I love you" and "I miss you" freely and hearing it back from her.

Wkwk. Dont get me wrong. I've moved on... as in... not pining over her anymore :) But moving on doesnt mean I stop loving her?

It's not stupid tho. I have my reasons why I still love her.

Cause it's just natural.

But, why?

I dunno.

There's so much thing to love about her.

But that's not the reason why i love her... you know.

I just do.

Wkwk.

And Im not being pathetic at all :D

Cause I know she cares about me so much. She cares about me as her bestfriend. And seriously. It's more that enough. The important thing is, we do care and support each other.

Okay.

Good-night :)

Dont worry, myself!

....

i just wanna cry so much. ohmygod. today was sucks. too hectic. my anxiety was acting up again and i fucking hate it. I thought i dealt with that long time ago but apparently not.

Tingkatkan spiritualmu, myself! You can do this!

....

i know. she wont ever read this. but tiny part of my heart hope that one day... she remember about this blog, open it, and then read this.

i write this post because i dont have enough courage to say all of this thing to her... that i still love her. that my heart's still going warm whenever i see her smile. and it hurts because i know i cant ever have her in this short-life. and it hurts... because im the only one who feels like this. semacam... aku stuck di sini, sementara dia sudah merdeka dengan hatinya. Sudah bebas.

I wanna be like her as soon as possible. Emotionally independent. Nggak lagi berharap.

Dan setiap kali aku ngerasa sudah bisa ngelepas, terus nggak sengaja stalking dan lihat fotonya, atau pas ketemu dia, rasanya sedih lagi aja. Sedih karena... masih di posisi yang sama. Sendirian. Cuma aku yang tahu. Dan harus berusaha biasa aja.

She's so beautiful this day. If only i was a guy. So that I have chance to actually marry her. Or... I dunno. Kalo cowok juga gak jamin sih. Emang dia mau sama aku.

Lol.

Ya sudah. Sesi galau selesai. Mari kembali ke hal-hal positif.

Rain

Brings lots of memories. Sometimes it sucks so much.

like... a living hell... or not?

Studying.... studying everyday. Final exam getting closer. Woke up everyday feeling kinda fresh. Start the day with positiveness... told myself... "May be today the pain will be gone. May be today I can really smile. May be today Im not feeling miserable anymore."

But... seiring berjalannya hari. Makin siang... makin sore... makin malem... sugesti-sugesti postif dipagi hari rasanya cuma mitos. This is so damn hard. So hard. The emptiness... the pain...

Dan sekarang ada tokek bunyi. FINE!!! :") Seluruh alam semesta berkonspirasi.

Sebel dengan diri sendiri karena sok-sok an kuat. Padahal yo asline lempeng. Asline pengen broke down nangis-nangis ndek depan dia. Tapi yoh yok opo. Yok opo... lek aku gak kuat... terus podo-podo gakkuat e... jadi apa nantik.

Ya harus kuat. Kenyataan e wis kayak gini. Keadaan e memaksa buat kayak gini. Terus aku mau gakkuat tiap hari? Ya gimana :") Gak boleh menyiksa diri sendiri.

She's trying so hard to be happy. Seeking distraction... I can see it. She's trying to be okay. For me and for herself. Dan untuk itu, she needs time to be alone... of course. She needs it. Dia butuh itu. Dia butuh tenang. Dia butuh istirahat dari semua rasa yang pasti exhausting ini.

Jadi, aku juga harus berusaha sekuat tenaga, kan?

Like I said to myself before... kuncinya itu ikhlas kan? Ikhlas kalo semua ini emang pasti terjadi. Ikhlas kalo ini tuh jalan yang terbaik yang diberi Allah. Menunggu... akan ada sesuatu... entah kapan, yang bikin aku dan dia jauuuuuuhhhh jauuuuuuuuhhhh lebih bahagia daripada ini.

Dia akan bahagia. Pasti kok.

Dia pantes bahagia. This 1,5 years knowing her, I can see it, she really deserve all the happiness in the world. Dan kayak yang dia bilang... "it's not like i dont have anyone to lean on to." yup... bener. There's lot of people she can rely on. There's a lot of people who care about her. Tinggal berdoa buat kedatangan seseorang yang bakal ngebahagiain dia lebih dari aku.

Pasti ada.

Yakin deh.

If the time comes... and when she finally said... "Im happy"... saat itu.... Im sure I would be the happiest person in the whole universe.

LOL. Bacotan di malam hari yang berakhir dengan kepositifan lagi ternyata :") ya kalo bayangin dia happy selalu jadi senyum sendiri sih :") lol. first time loving someone this much. this emotion is too overwhelming i cant put it in words. wkwk.